In our social media culture the instant gratification or abnegation seems to live at the finger tip of scrolling. Comparison of ourselves to others in a fitness context has become the topic of hot discussion over the last few years with the explosion of this new ‘expert culture’ based often times on ad campaigns, ambassadorships and aesthetically edited workout posts. This has been called out over and over as toxic, unrealistic and at times bullying individuals into unhealthy expectations of themselves and others.
Comparison doesn’t just kill compassion in a personal sense when it comes to one’s fitness journey though. This has started to carry over into other culture aspects almost eliminating any chance we have at starting from a place of empathy, sympathy or compassion. Is it that we have started to use comparison not only now as a measurement of our success or value, but also that of others experience?
In our current socio-political climate comparison has taken the place of understanding or any sense of empathy for many. Instead of listening with a genuine desire to understand someone’s story, comparison slides in with the selfish desire to hedge or belittle other’s tragedy or struggles. Now this isn’t to say that we all haven’t experienced real trauma in our own lives at some level, but without an ability to empathize and listen to truly understand how can we also be heard? Comparison then begins to border on the line of unhealthy competition or being dismissive towards the human experience of others.
The conversation surrounding mental health has started to come out from under the rug after being stifled there for decades if not longer. So learning to embrace this conversation and dive into the shadows together is not a strength many of us are fluent in or attuned to naturally. Our social constructs haven’t supported open and honest conversation surrounding struggles and strife so to see that shift for what it is takes a level of grace and understanding. Our goal should not be to compare our lives and experiences to others in a formulaic way where we expect to hit a personal high water mark. Our flows may be very different and the pain of our wounds an unique and a very personal experience.
What if we recognized this and focused on re-framing any comparisons as anecdotal empathy? Starting to share our stories with more compassion and gracious communication. If we focus on dropping the competitive toxicity and embraced the raw honest journey of others, wouldn’t we also feel more heard and understood? We all at some level crave that feeling of acceptance and understanding, but seldom reflect and project that as a gift to others. We tend to as a culture and in some communities only put value and trust into the outlier stories of great redemption or overcoming incredible struggles. Or on the flip side ignore those that make us uncomfortable because we can’t directly relate or feel like it is a zero sum belittling of our own struggles.
Another aspect at play is perhaps our own discomfort with accepting compassion, thinking that no one can simply understand or relate to our demons and shadow experiences. Our darkness is not our own to battle alone. If we hold on to it too tightly in a twisted comfort of familiarity without diving into the shadow work, we will struggle with accepting any support without understanding our own. It can be hard for me personally to accept compliments sometimes when it relates to a shadow side or dark experience in my journey still. I feel initially a vulnerable and visceral sense of anxiousness that if I share it will be met with a blank stare or the dreaded sense of ‘over-share’. This is something that I have started to recognize and meet with a practice of deep self-compassion. I used to fall into natural trap of self-comparison as a baseline and litmus for my personal growth.
Am I really that different? Has my change and personal growth been enough from arbitrary point C to point F? This is another mental mindfuck that can cause us to get stuck in a loop. Comparing only our shadows to our shadows on a linear scale or deducting points for digressions that we may feel carry a heavier weight when the feel like a dark regression. Maybe if we find that grace and without losing and authentic perspective and appetite for personal growth annihilate this mindset of comparison within ourselves we can start to remove it from our interactions with others.
We are all wired differently and in very unique ways. It is so good and powerful to find those humans that you share experiences with and relate to in many different ways. But what if those we shared more differences that likeness with we began to approach with compassion initially instead of evaluative comparison? We don’t have to use this as a path to agreement or even complete understanding, but it could be instrumental in helping us all feel free to live in and embrace both our shadows and strengths more openly and cohesively.
How can we start to aim for a correlation of mutual compassion? Would that help us return to a less divisive nature and embrace our communities holistically? It will not be an easy shift, but a practice I believe would bring a new appreciation and ability to interact on a higher level as humans. What do we have to lose? Comparison. Or if you must do so deliberately with a sense of gratitude.
Ad Astra Per Aspera