This year has been full of ugly darkness stepping into the light across the globe. From a viral pandemic to the continuation of racial injustice, the issues of the world seem to all be colliding at once. To exacerbate these situations they have been almost ultra politicized and spun to fit a number of divisive narratives. It seems like so many of these issues I grew up learning about, educating myself on why they exist and what can be done to improve on them. Much of this aligns on a more personal level as well, as it seems to be that a lot of this is driven by the idea that “ignorance is bliss” or if you don’t acknowledge the shadow side of things you will always bask in the light.
Even our own strengths, emotions and perspectives that see healthy and positive can also embody a shadow side. That is not to say that the flip side to every positive is a negative, but more so that without awareness we are only acknowledging what we feel is the bright side. Some might say that this is the root of positive thinking and joy, or that talking about personal issues and ‘demons’ is a negative frame of mind to take on. I call bullshit, this mentality of ultimate bliss without recognizing the shadows we carry on breeds complacency and maybe a small sense of comfort. It doesn’t allow us the room and space to grow, to develop a deeper awareness and understanding of our own struggles and empathize with those of others.
I’ve also lived in the shadows for periods of my own life and that is not a healthy place to stay either. Once you become comfortable in the shadows it can also lead to a toxic sense of complacency or hopelessness. But if you are able to find the courage to take an honest look at the shadows in your life it can be the start of powerful and impactful change. This year started off with a bright outlook and carrying through a dark season of winter. I felt burnt out and undervalued both personally and professionally by myself and others. I had initiated a shift in my life, but felt like I was stuck in more of a limbo than starting to find a new light and fit.
This is when I started to make a conscious effort to focus on shadow work, not just with the intention of acknowledgement and letting go. I was determined to dig in and find why some of these patterns of discontent seemed to continue no matter how much effort and growth I was putting forward. I set a lofty goal to start the year, to make a big move in my career and to move my life to a different physical location. Only a year prior I had set this same intention, but why didn’t it click? It became clear to me that I was relying solely on my strengths, while still undervaluing what I brought to the table and letting the shadow of self-judgement and saboteurs take over.
It was no surprise then really that when I committed to acknowledging and owning some of these same shadow aspects, I received an offer from a role that is a perfect fit and I had been passed over on prior. So from there it’s all a happy ending right? Walking into the sunlight? Haha, life isn’t that simple and I’m glad. I now had a sense of inherent joy being back in a city I love and a role I felt valued and respected. So after those opportunities were sealed, that would be left but to be grateful and full of sunshine? The gratitude was there without a doubt, but I knew there were still underlying pieces of myself living in the shadows and this year was the crossroads to explore them with a steady foundation set.
Cue COVID and plenty of extra time to take this path of introspection and inner work. At first this seemed like a damper on the excitement I held to bask in the light of being back in a city with so many friends I missed, but the reality is this was the time to heal myself and go deeper than I had in a long time. The 15 years I had been gone was full of incredible experiences both positive and negative and I had carried so much through that time. I actually felt a sense of peace when the pandemic started, a sense of knowing when the racial injustice breached the surface again stronger than it has in years. Why did I feel so much comfort in this chaos? Not because I was ignoring it, I had in fact never been able to do so.
I feel like I have been prepared for everything that has come this year and so much more in life. But without embracing the ‘ugliness’ of the world and myself, really focusing in to do the shadow work, I too could easily be swept into the bliss of ignorance and living in the artificial light. I started feeling years ago that I would be a catalyst in this world, in some way a change maker. It still isn’t totally clear how or why, but this summer has been a rediscovery and making so much peace with the demons I have held in the past. This return to the shadows of myself and the world is not a regression, it is facing the music to learn, to grow, to be genuine and my whole truest self. I’ve heard people accuse me of being negative or to wrapped up in the world. I consider myself an optimistic realist who still believes in the magic of the universe. If my realism with myself and the state of the world is too negative then, I rebuttal with the fact that perhaps my light shines true although maybe not the brightest. It does fuel with the clearing and understanding of my shadows though and therefore I feel in a more pure way.
I hope we all can have the courage to do the shadow work within ourselves, to find the true self without losing it deep in the mire. The more we allow ourselves to embrace life as a whole and focus on the growth, the more the work will reveal the true light we so deeply seek. I am not done and this year has been a great reminder of the path and the power through the shadows back to the light. As always ‘To the stars through difficulty’!
-Ad Astra Per Aspera