I have always felt empowered to write and it’s been a great way for me to process things through the highs and lows of life. I thought at one point in my life I wanted to be a journalist and write professionally, then my life took a different path completely. More recently I have embraced writing again through journaling, as well as trying to formulate my own story on paper. I have lived through some amazing experiences and some of incredible darkness too. It’s both of these that continue to drive me through growth to share my perspective and resilience.
The following is part of a draft I have been fleshing out, and may eventually blossom into a book. It draws directly from my journey with mental health in different eras of my life. It’s not meant to seek pity or sympathy and is not a cry for help. It is something I’m going to continue to share and shed light on to start the tough conversations that matter. Every mile and minute I get to experience even when I don’t feel inspired is a gift. And so with gratitude for so many and grace for myself here’s a look into my process. Take care of yourselves first and foremost so we can continue to strive to take care of each other. Ad Astra Per Aspera.
As I stood over the sink rinsing my knife, it came over me so suddenly out of the shadows. It was an intense urge, stronger even than the darkest depression I had ever felt before. I had cut myself too many times to count as part of the trade, usually green onions were the culprit with a fingertip or slice of knuckle slivered into the mix. This urge was not an accident, it was almost a calling to end the chaos and pain I held in my heart and head. I had put myself to the ultimate test in the previous days alone of back to back big events and just barely came through the other side, while also self-medicating like I had in my darkest moments to kill the doubt and exhaustion. The anxiety, hangover and uncertainty left me on the brink. I had never been in this thought, to just let it slip out through the towel and my fingers down through my wrist. But here it was encompassing me totally. I didn’t.
I received a text message that shook me back to the world. It was from a great friend that recognized my talents and faults with no judgement and total understanding. He was a friend that knew my true nature and shared a like-minded soul and perspective on the struggle of the human experience. He also appreciated the fine things in life and the visceral experiences that shape the human connection. I had agreed to help him with a big event of his own and the trust he had put in me was Truly a saving grace of friendship. I’m not entirely sure what I would have done or if he knows to this day that he may have actually saved my life.
When you want to kill yourself no one knows it, sometimes not even yourself. You may be reaching out, like they say to do, looking for connection and understanding with loved ones. The catch is, they aren’t going to magically detect what’s on your mind or the whole you are emotionally sinking like quicksand. It’s truly a mental trap especially when exacerbated by substances or being hungover and full of anxiety that you have failed yourself on top of everyone else you love. This is an intense feeling that really all too often becomes the tipping point, the literal or figurative ledge that is only a step away from true and total numbness.
It’s not a simple diagnosis of depression, of substance abuse or self-medicating patterns gone awry. This is a complex web of thoughts and cycles of behavior that comfortably isolates the individual from judgement, pain and most importantly the concept of truly being accepted for their vulnerability. In short, this is the missing piece, you cannot save anyone with understanding what it takes and means to be truly vulnerable. To be so emotionally desolate and alone that your comfort zone becomes death not love. It’s not a fault, it is a disease of self-treatment at its root cause.
To feel the damning self-failure is to pile on the expectations you’ve created for yourself that you believe everyone else has in your mentality. They do not live and die by this, but you very well might and that is the stark reality.