There are so many metrics and so much data driving our world today, especially in the fitness sphere. So it’s no wonder that endurance sports and fitness seem to come more naturally to Type A personalities craving that performance, tracking and ability to catalyze planned tangible growth. Hell there’s at list 5 different companies creating wearables to sync your steps, heart rate, sleep patterns and so many other data points about our daily activity and health!
Now these are all great tools to monitor progress and provide safe practices to increase performance. They are even building global and local fitness communities bringing together like-minded individuals regardless of location. But this past weekend I was reconnected to a why that blows me away every time having nothing to do with speed, pace, segments or anything else that data can track. I returned to the trails to race my first 50k in over a year, a distance that as one of my friends coined is “equally epic and manageable”.
I raced my first 50k in July 2017 shortly after completing my first 70.3 distance triathlon, in Kansas City on the hottest day of the year ringing in with a 112F heat index. I had really no idea if I had the fitness to make it happen or not, but I was going to give it a shot and go down swinging if nothing else. That day was a pivotal one not only in my running career, but my personal life as well, a true testament to my mental stamina, fortitude and downright grit! I had been around the trail community a few times prior on these same trails and there was something about the camaraderie and genuine support of complete strangers and family alike. I finished just a hair over 7 hours, no cramps and my mother waiting there to medal me as I came out of the woods and down the finish chute. I met at least one person that day on the trail that I’ve stayed connected with from a far, but a bond was built and hopefully our paths will cross again on the trail.
This most recent race was meant as a check-in before my biggest distance endeavor to date in just a few short weeks, a 50 miler in the front range of Colorado. I never could imagine writing those words until this year when I signed up for the race while tapering in April for my third marathon (also something I never thought I’d say). This year hasn’t been the easiest nor most consistent for training on my part. In fact there have been days I felt like a failure and shitty runner – maybe I’m not meant to go any further and I’m chasing something I’ll never touch. Long runs and short runs alike on some days have been miserable and lacking any enthusiasm. The challenge and success of last year maybe is where it should end. But every so often there would be a spark, that feeling that I was actually building again and finding some strength.
Going into the weekend, I was a week out from an eye laceration running my local trails that put me out for 3 days full of overthinking with doubt again. Why was I doing this? Is it even possible? Maybe this just isn’t my year and I should defer. Leading up I had a work conference that included long days Monday through Thursday the week leading up, needless to say when noon Friday hit I was ready to bolt and hit that highway North!
The North Face Endurance Challenge Midwest Regional was the race I chose to check-in, a 50k through the South end of Kettle Morraine Forrest outside of Milwaukee. I had no familiarity with the trails, but thought what the hell – let’s drive 8 hours to see if I fall down on my face (quite literally I fell 3 times, but we’ll get to that part later). I woke up to the Friday the 13th Full Harvest Moon setting on the way to the woods. Pulling in the guy parked next to me struck up a conversation and oddly I felt at home. Where else in the world will you wake up with a bunch of other humans at 5am to run that are also instantly interested in your story? The firepits at check-in and the start/finish arch along with watching the 50 miler runners heading out brought it all full circle, this is race morning and that feeling you train for and embrace.
It was 55 and almost a bit chilly as the sun started to peak up and the Full Moon set, the scene was full of energy and something seemed to just click. As I took off in my wave I tried not to get to wrapped up in pace and going out to hard. This was an experience to embrace, unfamiliar and each turn a new path quite literally. There really is no way to describe the feeling knowing that when you hit mile 1 marker you still have 30 ahead and you’re stoked to cover each one under the power of your own legs and mind.
The first few miles clipped off so easily I wasn’t sure if I was in a groove or just running no adrenaline and excitement. I fell in with a couple of fellow runners, one running her 3rd 50k following a 50 miler in May and the other tackling his first of this distance with a little bit of uncertainty. It was a great way to break some of those nerves and make some new trail friends. Going through aid station 1/2 I started to wonder if the pace was too much to keep up and started to let my mind wander to doubt instead of running on feel. As the path opened up to a little bit of meadow running between the woods, I cleared my head by reminding myself this was a beautiful day in the woods no matter what (H/T to AntiGravityGains sharing this wisdom on my 2nd 50k startline).
This is when it all started to sink in that I had not only toed this start line, but I was almost 15 miles in (my usual wall in training long runs lately) and I was feeling strong and fresh still!
I was on point running with a big smile on my face and in my heart. I was back – mentally present, physically feeling amazing considering I was over half a marathon through trails. This is where it broke, that it wasn’t just the raceday mentality or community that brought back this peace and focus – it was me, allowing myself to feel that gratitude and be open to another incredible experience.
So let’s rewind back to the start line for a moment. I was sharing a fire pit with some complete strangers prior to the start making conversation about running, which led to where we were all from not only in the context of where we lived, but what paths had brought us here. One individual was not a runner, but there to support and cheer on his wife a seasoned runner. And honestly he was at every aid station cheering for me to yelling “go Nebraska looking strong!” and I’ll be damned if that didn’t give me a little more fire each time. The other was also a runner, but not racing today he was working an aid station and came from a similar culinary background spending long days in hot kitchens, and nights drinking at the bar after. These are two totally separate, yet true testaments to the unique community of ultra running and endurance racing; genuine, authentic humans.
Coming around the backstretch of the course, I checked my watch and took a hard tumble down a pretty steep path yelling “Ohhhhh Shit!” to no one in particular. I got up covered in sand and smiled, this is resilience and perseverance. This is why I choose to push, to run, to experience the limits of my potential. It may a strange joy to some that I don’t ask or expect to understand. But this is a flow of life embodied in such a tangible experience, to brush yourself off after falling from a high to a seeminly daunting low. This is what inspires and motivates the heart to dig deeper to build.
After months of questioning where I was at, is it the right place? Am I to far behind the curve? Fuck no! I am right where I need to be, in the shape I am in to challenge the next part of the journey. Not with ease, but with gratitude and grace. As I started into the final 4 miles again I started to wonder if I had pushed the pace too hard too early, maybe. The reality was becoming clear though that if I didn’t get mental, if I didn’t bonk I was going to have an epic day out here and finish far beyond any expectations. Each quarter of a mile at this point after 26.2 is an odd struggle with a smile. It compounds and drives itself into a momentum that can’t be found many other places in life. These moments brought forth a giddiness that shattered all that doubt I had been trying to stifle and swallow all year. The trust started to shine through again, knowing that each workout doesn’t have to be perfect or on point. Each day will not go as planned in running or life. The one’s that feel like stones or bricks, wrenching our minds and bodies are truly building something we can’t touch until it is time and we truly need it.
I turned the final corner and could see the finish line where I had started just 5ish hours before. The leaders of the 50 miler that started two hours earlier, were coming in hot too. All I could think is I am right where I need to be, always. I may never run a 7-8 hour 50mile race, but I can now feel that I will run one, it is more than possible. I can make huge leaps if I set outrageous goals and follow through. My grit, my potential, my flow is often left untapped and when I find it anew it is a beautiful spark to relight!
As I crossed the finish line I almost couldn’t believe it. I had not only thrown down a 50k on a strange trail, I set a PR shattering my previous by 1:05:04 and felt damn good still! It wasn’t all hard speed work, grinding long run miles or any raw talent I hadn’t tapped; it was nutrition, trusting my body and mind while embracing the experience one moment in the present at a time. After crossing the line I was embraced by this amazing community again in the recover tent and over pizza and beers with new friends who starting the day were total strangers. Each of us had overcome some demons and hurdles out in those woods and to honor that with joy and gratitude is more than fitting.
So what does this all mean? Why am I sharing this race report and talking about doubt when it was clearly a successful day?
Because it’s too easy to get lost in the metrics of am I fast enough, have enough weekly mileage or can I find the spirit to finish it out strong. The answer without a doubt is YES! If we pull our heads out of the chaos and find that self trust, we can compel ourselves to accomplish incredible feats. This isn’t just about running in the woods either, we can translate this into everyday life. There is so much negativity out in the world, more than we need so why feed ourselves our own on top of that shit? Doubt is not a reality, anxiety is not our reality if we don’t choose it to be. We can and often are our own worst critics; unplug find your why again and find that flow in whatever it is that centers your joy and inspiration. Don’t underestimate your potential and resilience, it doesn’t always come from the grind. Find the flow, feel the peace, be patience, persevere and Find Forward.
Ad Astra Per Aspera