The Process of Transitioning from Self-medicating to Self-care

Self-care has become a topic at the forefront of our society over the past few years and whether it is truly concerned with improving one’s mental health or scratching the surface with relaxation and pampering is not entirely clear. But to be honest, it’s about damn time we all started taking better care of ourselves! (I am most definitely speaking from a place of experience and not a pulpit of psychological piety.) This is likely the tip of this topic iceberg for me and I finally feel comfortable diving in to share.

For years I enjoyed so many forms of self-medicating, often under the guise or simple misunderstanding that I was exploring or expanding my consciousness. I have held many vices in many different seasons of my life and many of them are not demons put to rest completely. I share these things to set a foundation of genuine honesty, clarity and accountability for myself. In an era when yoga, meditation and many other forms of reflection and mindful practice are becoming as much as if not more mainstream that organized religion I have for the last 6 years started to explore a path of self-care; although not completely from self-medicating at times.

The biggest change over this transition is the compassion I am able to show for myself. Through this I am able to genuinely reflect and refocus when I notice I am dabbling in old patterns of self-medicating behavior. Our mainstream society, unfortunately or not, enables and promotes many of these behaviors while remaining skeptical of anything a little left of center that reveals true emotion. These include drinking, smoking, recreational drug use, casual dating/sex and the normalization or at least avoidance of calling these what they are in unhealthy contexts. Again I am not removed nor innocent of many of these behaviors at times in my life to self-medicate, while also convincing myself they are in some ways forms of self-care.

For over a decade I live in a perpetual state of self-medication. I worked hard and lived hard always pushing the limits to discover the next level of perspective or consciousness. I embraced partying as an accepted way to avoid my true emotions only to often have them come rushing back stronger on the flipside laced with a heavy dose of anxiety to boot. I craved so badly situations of depth and truth, seeking them in the most unconventional ways I could because I hadn’t found them on the beaten path. I still enjoy drinking but have reframed it so many times and often still slip up and overindulge. I used to be a daily smoker and often oddly still think about all the ways it harms my body, yet want to enjoy a cigar or smoke every once in a while. I used to use marijuana as a way to manage my anxiety thinking again I was providing myself with head and heart space to ease my worries and gain perspective outside of the box. I could share numerous other experiences and contexts in which I tried to alter my psyche to find something of greater depth, unique challenge and a sense of spiritual healing or belonging. None of these solved my problems and often created more. I was at times the life of the party, but I was not well. I brought so much energy to things that didn’t serve myself and were not in truth well to others. I was running from my own truth, afraid of what it might actually hold. The saddest part is I couldn’t even imagine until I took a step back shifted.

None of these things do I condone nor condemn, I am not one to judge and will not project that onto someone who may be sharing the struggles I once did. My path has shifted and changed in more positive ways than I can count. With the support of family and friends along with some honest tough love I have put to rest and peace so many demons I used to try to heal. And now when they arise I look to self-care, the practice of honest accountability and self-compassion. The practice of yoga, breathing, reflection and not throwing myself under the bus for slipping up while trying to continue growing. I often think about the different eras of my life and the people I have met along the way. So many of us struggle from similar challenges on different levels, learning to love and accept ourselves and the unique journey we are on. We are not alone, no matter how lonely it may feel. The self-medicating only used to exacerbate that feeling.

As I sit here on a Sunday afternoon having a brunch beer, I realize I am still learning to balance the two. I had one of my best runs in months this morning, despite the doubt and uncertainty in my head. I laced up and looked forward knowing it wasn’t for anyone, but me. That is where the transition starts. It doesn’t simply flip a switch, it takes a commitment to endure and adjust as you may need. To draw your own line and be honest with yourself, even when it’s inconvenient or it truly hurts. As we aim for kindness in the world and choosing to better, let’s not forget about ourselves and shift from that self-medication to self-care. In our self-care, we will find the feelings of overcoming without the rush of overwhelming.

It’s an interesting perspective to now hold and I feel compelled to share so that it may if nothing else serve as a reminder to keep growing. I run again with intention, to build endurance and head space. To find my limits in healthy ways without bringing detriment to my physical or mental health. It allows me to be open and honest with myself, because there’s nothing like 7 hours in your own head. It can be a daunting thing if you try to nurse instead of nurture your thoughts and vision. So wherever you may be, may you find grace, peace and compassionate accountability to help you grow. May you find ways to overcome whatever struggle you may be facing and let your story unfold through diligence, rest, perseverance, and patience. We all have the opportunity to embrace our true self, then we can start to understand and care for our journey.

Ad Astra Per Aspera

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